Lord, please don’t pass me by!

woman with binoculars

Is that you Jesus?  Please don’t pass me by!

What a whirlwind of a year!  Fun job, a position of authority (like I always craved), then bam!  I could not stand it any longer.  Great colleagues, good benefits that got better each year.  It just was not enough.  I really do not know what made it intolerable.  All I know is that I had no joy jumping out of bed, apart from driving our lovely daughter to school and taking the time challenge of navigating Nairobi traffic and heading into the city’s lovely suburbs to a shabby chique office, nestled under mature acacias and local bush.  Beautiful, especially when the Vervet monkeys trooped over the rooftops to feast on the figs in season.  At lunch, I could head off into the secret garden behind the kitchen and hemmed in by overgrown but neatly maintained bushes.  There I could listen to the trees creak in a gentle wind, lie on my back in the grass and watch the clouds float by.  Back at my desk, hummingbirds would dip and flit though succulent-plant’s flowers right outside my window.  Ants trekked single file over the path to the front door, loaded with captive (but dead) insects for a festive meal.  All sizes of wasps and bees flew into our open windows, seeking the shade in the high wooden beams. We often took time out to observe them, as they are no longer inhabit other parts of a city bursting at the seams.

And so I left.  No remorse, no dragged out goodbyes. An efficient handover, reminiscent of an efficient German engine!  It felt great to leave.  I smiled every day after that for months.  Another offer came and I leapt into it without a whisper of a prayer.  The conditions were tough and turned rough in an industry I endured but felt less respect for with each passing day.  It was as if the Lord allowed me to see the spirit of materialism, lust, envy and greed at work.  Sick to my stomach, I dutifully turned up daily.  Prayed up but unable to hear from God, with the din of hell ringing in my eyes and ears.  I would leave drained and miserable, like a wet cat crawling back into it’s basket.  My husband took note really early on and would ask for details of my day.  It felt like the Lord had shifted my place on the chess board and I was no longer a part of the game!  So I stood, idly by and unable to immerse myself in ‘the fun’.

Nauseated, I rose and put in my hours and returned home with less sparkle every day.  It got so bad, I would take every opportunity to leave the building every two hours.  Th The gimmick had turned into a full con-game for them.  When I tried to sort various out, I was promptly singled out for a telling off.  Modern day slavery. One day, a manager made an off colour remark and I packed up and left.  The nausea ended at the gate and the misery wore off as I joined the next main road.  i got home, smiling, relieved and refreshed.

I have no idea what is next and honestly some days I just want to sit and cry.  Today was one of those days.  I love my family and would walk the ends of the earth to bless them.  Selling my soul to the highest bidder is not part of the deal.  My spirit, my soul already sold out to Jesus.  Lord how can you ever forgive me?  How could I take such a wrong turn?

Thank you Lord for loving me, just as I am.  All you want is for my heart to remain yours.  It’s not about the-job-that-would-define-me, or clothes, bank balance, friends, social status or appearance! Jesus loves you for who you are!  It all belongs to you Lord and thank you for loving me just as I am. With that reminder, I need to put my face to the floor and worship the King of Kings,  He is more than worthy!

Lord, is that you?  Please don’t pass me by!